Somethings not right.

I go out to work, I have a good day, I do fun things, and im happy. I come home, and im unhappy. I sit at the computer andI listento my favorite music, and I talk to people, or I watch tv, or I pet my cat, but somethings missing and I dont know what it is.

It seems im always waiting for something. Always waiting, and always counting how much time has past since things I waited for happened.

one year since I moved out on my own, 3 months til school comes again, one year and one month since I met Mike, an indefinite time until he comes back, one month since Coachella, 11 til its Coachella again, two years since ive graduated, 12 months til Europe, 6 years since Ive lived in Nanaimo, 1 year 3 months til I dont anymore, 2 Months til I see Rufus Wainwright again..

I live in the past, and I live in the future.
I dont know what to do.

well, fuck.

an Analogy for Your Thoughts

This whole Europe thing? Is probably a stupid idea. Financially speaking, i mean. Even IF manage to make all the money I need by next May without spending it, IF I can keep worknig at the pace I am, IF I dont spend it all like I frequently do.. what am I going to do when I come back? If I decide not to go back to school right away I need to start paying back all my student loans in November. If I do manage to get into some school in another city, how will I afford ti live there? Who goes to Europe willy nilly whe nthey are as in debt I am? Its craziness, I know it is.
That being said, the other night I went to Bowen park with my friend Ryan. We went up to the little stream, and Ryan got the bright idea that he wanted to climb the rocks on the other side. But the other side was too far away to get to without wading through the icky cold water. SO he got a rock, and put it in the water to use as a stepping stone. The other side was still fairly far away, but he managed to leap across and make it. Then he said, Brianna, come on! I refused! I was scared to do it. What if I didnt make it? So I stood on the bank and watched him climb around. Then he disappeared for a second, and i could hear him shout, theres a hidden cover back here! Wel,l I wanted to see that cove, but i told myself I just wouldnt be able to. So I decided then, screw it, I was going to go over to the other rocks. So I got up, leapt, and made it no problem.

The moral of the story? You shouldnt not do something you want to do, just because there are a few risks involved. You will regret it so much later, im sure. So thats why, despite fiscal irresponsibility, I AM going to Europe. And I will just have to figure out the money situation when I get back. And thats all there is to THAT.

Things I Learned This Weekend:

• The only thing stopping me from doing what I want to do is myself
• I dont need food or sleep to live, just have a goal in mind. If im working towards something, I can work until im blue in the face, and I will keep going til I get it.
• I love the smell of Cigarettes and cologne
• I always need to play the hero. Anytime something goes wrong, im always the person to step in and fix it. But instead of just being a good person, i play the martyr, acting like I sacrificed so much to help others. I dont think I like that.
• Nobody ever calls me. Im always the one to call and make plans. I dont like that either.
• There is a huge wisdom gap between people my age and just a few years younger

And So it Goes

So I started my new job last week. FOr all of you that dont know, Coyotes wasnt giving me NEARLY enough hours to live off of, so I was forced to get a second job. As luck would have it, the first place i looked needed someone badly and practically hired me on the spot. This place happens to be Mermaids Mug. SOunds cool, hey? Unfortunately, the bosses of Coyotes were none too pleased that I went out and got another job at a cafe. So I dont know whats going to come of that..
As it is now, im working anywhere from 45 to 60 hours a week. That may sound crazy, but thats because I decided exactly what I want to do next year. After school is done, im going to go to Europe. im going to save up all this summer, and all year im going to live as frugally as possible. Then next summer im going to work like crazy again, and then in September im going to go to Europe. I dont know where, i dont know for how long, im just going to go. And when my money runs out, and I still want to be there, i'll get a work visa and stay longer. Thats really what I want to do, so im just going to do it! So heres hoping it works out.

Other than that, nothing else is new. I work too much to really do anything else of interest!

Coachella 2007

OKay, so that was literally the best week of my entire life, hands down.

I dont want to go through it all.. it would take pages and pages and pages.

Suffice to say, I made soo many good friends: Erik, Chris, Miles, Graeme, Josh, Jimbo, Jim...

I saw so many amazing bands: The Fratellis, Rufus Wainwright, the New Pornographers, Arcade Fire, Damien Rice..

I had such a wonderful time: Tanning, sitting around camp canada singing songs and playing guitar, chatting at Denny's, sitting in the Mist tent, partying with strangers

Honestly, nothing could possibly ever compare. I ALREADY miss it. I missed it the second I got home. Im practically counting down the days til next year!